Written by: Brandon Daniels, MSW, CSW
When we experience negative emotions that cause us to think difficult thoughts, it is common for us to tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” or “I need to stop feeling this.” These critical thoughts are invalidating, and tend to make us feel worse, oftentimes leading to shame, embarrassment, frustration, and other secondary negative feelings. You may think that if you don’t tell yourself to stop, you will allow your emotions to take the wheel. That is not the case. Through the process of self-validation, we can acknowledge our emotions without believing the thoughts or engaging in the behaviors that stem from our negative emotions. Self-validation is the process of experiencing your feelings and thoughts without immediately judging them. Instead, you seek to understand and accept your emotions.
Often people struggle with self-validation due to experiencing emotional neglect, being taught that certain emotions are unacceptable or weak, and a fear that acknowledging emotions will make the emotions stronger. Repeated self-judgement and emotional invalidation can lead one to distrust their internal experiences, and miss out on crucial information that emotions provide. Self-validation leads to a stronger sense of self as you acknowledge that your internal experience is worth paying attention to. It also leads to greater emotional awareness, increased emotional regulation, improved decision-making, and a more compassionate internal dialogue. Self-validation is a skill and needs to be practiced to reap the benefits, so it’s helpful to have a method to allow yourself to develop these skills.
The process of self-validation can be broken down into 5 steps: Notice, Name, Understand, Accept, Choose.
Step 1: Notice
When you begin to feel a negative emotion, the first step is noticing. Notice how the negative emotion shows up in the body, the thoughts you are having, and the urge to engage in an automatic reaction.
For example, you may notice that you are suddenly feeling hot, your stomach feels tight, or that there is a lump in your throat. All of these are signs that an unpleasant emotion has made its entrance.
Step 2: Name
After noticing the appearance of a negative emotion, the second step is naming. Name the specific emotion you are feeling and move beyond, “I feel bad.” Bad encompasses several emotions such as anger, fear, shame, jealousy, loneliness, etc. It is important to identify the specific emotion you are feeling to understand what your body is communicating to you. It is possible that multiple negative emotions are present, so you may have to identify more than one emotion. Naming also includes identifying the context or situation that incited these negative emotions.
Step 3: Understand
After naming the specific emotion and situation, the third step is understanding. Understanding may start with removing the judgement—replacing, “I shouldn’t be feeling this upset” to, “I notice that I am feeling more upset than expected.” Removing judgment allows you to approach emotions with curiosity.
The process of understanding provides a connection between the emotion and situation. You may ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” and respond internally with, “I am feeling this way because of this situation that has occurred, which makes sense.” If you struggle to move past self-judgment in this step, it might be helpful to consider how you would respond to a friend going through a similar situation. I would bet your response to a friend is more compassionate than your self-judgment.
Step 4: Accept
After developing an understanding of your emotions and why they have occurred, the fourth step is acceptance. We can’t control our emotions, and we shouldn’t try. They are responses that give us valuable information. Continue to acknowledge the negative feeling without criticizing yourself for having it. It is important to note that acceptance does not mean approval or agreement; you may allow yourself to feel emotions without engaging in automatic responses or believing automatic thoughts they may elicit. The goal of acceptance is to simply stop fighting the existence of the feeling. Emotions are like waves, they have an onset, a peak, and a decline. No feeling lasts forever.
Step 5: Choose
After accepting and allowing yourself to feel the negative feelings, choose what you want to do with them. Accepting your feelings allows you to make an informed decision rather than automatically reacting. Consider your values and what would actually be helpful for you. You might communicate your feelings with an I statement, set a boundary, take some space, seek support, engage in coping skills such as breathing or journaling, or simply allow the emotion to pass.
By using this process, you’ll recognize that your emotions are not your enemy. They can offer information—something to listen to, understand, and respond with intention. Name what you are feeling, understand where it is coming from, accept the emotion that is present, and create a space to choose how you respond. Sometimes the most important thing you can tell yourself isn’t, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” Instead, it could be, “This is what I’m feeling right now, and I can give myself permission to understand and experience it.”
At the Counseling & Education Center, we believe mental health support should be accessible to everyone. We offer affordable therapy for individuals, couples, and family counseling services in a welcoming, home-like setting. If you’re searching for therapy with no insurance or looking for a kids therapist near you, our team is here to help. With sliding scale fees and experienced therapists, we make it easier to get the support you need.