Written by: Hannah Wilson, LPC
You might’ve heard the adage, “relationships are hard work!” I wholeheartedly disagree with this notion. It can imply that strife is normal, expected, maybe even a sign of a healthy relationship. This mindset can keep people working (and suffering) in dysfunctional relationships, particularly in relationships characterized by antagonistic dynamics. (You may have heard of narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I like to use the word antagonistic to describe these relationships because I feel it better captures the nature and breadth of the dynamics at play.)
What are antagonistic dynamics? These are patterns characterized by manipulation, devaluation, criticism, and conflict that often lead folks in these relationships to feel doubtful, anxious, and confused. Here’s a quick overview of terms and experiences that many people in these relationships face:
Gaslighting—A form of manipulation in which your reality is denied and you are led to feel confusion and doubt.
Examples:
You tell your sister that you felt hurt by something she said. She responds, “I didn’t say that. You’re crazy.”
You tell your mother you feel worried about an upcoming medical procedure. She replies, “It’s not that big of a deal. You’re always so dramatic.”
Blameshifting—A form of manipulation in which responsibility for another’s actions, behavior, etc. is redirected to you.
Examples:
You tell your partner that you could use more help cleaning up the kitchen. They respond, “You have no idea how much work I do around here. You never clean the bathroom.”
You tell a friend that something they did felt hurtful. They respond, “Well, I wouldn’t do things like that if you weren’t so annoying.”
Future Faking—A manipulation tactic in which antagonistic folks make grand promises to keep you emotionally invested in a relationship with no intention to follow through
Examples:
Your partner often travels, leaving you to care for things at home. You tell them you would like them to be home more often. Despite promising that they will soon stay home more often, this never seems to materialize, even after years of promises and waiting.
You and your partner have agreed to have children. They say that the right time will be when you move into a new house. When you move into a new house, they say the right time will be when they get a promotion. When they get a promotion, the goal post is moved yet again. Again, even after years of promises and waiting, you may never have children with this partner.
Stonewalling/Silent Treatment
Sometimes in a heated or difficult conversation, emotional flooding can lead us to shut down, where we feel withdrawn, frozen, and might find it difficult to speak. This response can occur with folks who are not antagonistic in the face of relational conflict. However, for folks who are antagonistic, silence may be weaponized and used to punish and control others. Stonewalling/the silent treatment can last for hours, days, weeks, or months at a time. You may be met only with grunts, speaking to you through others (i.e., a parent stonewalling the other parent may say to their child, “Tell your mother that she needs to go grocery shopping.”), or be ignored entirely.
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These are just a few of the patterns common in antagonistic relationships. When exposed to these patterns over time, people often feel like they’re “going crazy,” may experience anxiety, depression, and a consistent state of confusion. These patterns can be so stressful that folks may even begin to experience stress-related chronic health conditions like migraines, fibromyalgia, and IBS. If exposed to these patterns long-term, folks can develop trauma and stressor-related disorders like complex PTSD.
It is important to keep in mind that these are patterns in relationships. If a friend downplays your experience once, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are antagonistic or gaslighting. But if the behavior recurs and does not change, you may be experiencing an antagonistic relationship.
These patterns also tend to occur cyclically in antagonistic relationships.
They often begin with a period of lovebombing where you may be showered with gifts, attention, and feel seen in ways that you’ve previously not felt seen. In the context of a romantic relationship, you might feel the connection is magical and “meant to be.” Lovebombing can shift to devaluation in which criticism, belittling, and some of the dynamics listed above like gaslighting may begin to emerge. Often, because the relationship tends to start seemingly so well, folks in these relationships feel that they must have done something to incite the devaluation (this isn’t true!). Once devaluation begins, the relationship can often be followed by a phase known as the discard. During this phase, the antagonistic individual might actually leave the relationship, cheat, or do things to try and make their partner leave the relationship. In a parent-child dynamic, the parent might stonewall the child for weeks or months. Often (but not always), the discard may be followed by hoovering (as in the vacuum) where the antagonistic person might reach out with apologies, saying how much they miss you, how they will change, or just with interest in reconnecting. Sometimes, the antagonistic person will simply reengage in the relationship as if the devaluation and discard never occurred. It is possible to reexperience this cycle for years, even for a lifetime.
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Healthy relationships lead to greater closeness, understanding, and freedom. They are characterized by mutual respect, empathy, and compassion; importantly, they are also characterized by reciprocity, where both partners contribute energy equally. When these fundamental elements are missing, folks may indeed feel that their effort in a relationship is exhausting, thankless, and deeply wounding work. .
Understanding antagonistic dynamics is just the tip of the iceberg in healing the wounds these relationships so often inflict. And while healing may not look the same for everyone, it is always possible.
If you want to learn more about these dynamics, I recommend the works of Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You and host of the YouTube channel Dr. Ramani, as well as Dr. Ingrid Clayton, author of Believing Me and host of the YouTube channel Ingrid Clayton, PhD.
At the Counseling & Education Center, we provide caring, age-appropriate therapy for children and teens in Grand Junction. If you’re looking for a kids therapist or a teen counselor near you, our team understands the unique challenges young people face. We offer a welcoming, home-like environment and make therapy accessible through sliding scale fees , whether or not you have insurance. Get in touch to find the right fit for your family.
Learn more about Hannah here: https://www.cecwecare.org/therapists/hannah-wilson/